Yesterday, for the first time in months, i logged into this blog, the spiritual homemaker.
I’m not sure why.
Partly, feeling guilty that i hadn’t written in a while and thinking that perhaps i should. But more importantly, i felt that gentle, quiet voice wafting up inside me, the urge to create.
Image from http://www.realityintotality.blogspot.com
Sometimes this urge is a raging torrent. An urge, that if unmet, leaves me steaming with emotions, anger, guilt, self doubt…
Bubbling, bubbling away, this energy gently requests attention, quietly purrs, taps, patiently waits. Left unattended she grows cranky, impatient, screaming for attention, steaming away, burning away my insides, leaving me to tend the charred remains.
Self portrait, 2002.
Don’t get me wrong, i have been creating, these past few months, my focus has been in the garden. Imagining, listening, observing, designing, planning, acquiring new plants, weeding, planting, mulching, watering, leaving new life to nurture itself. It’s been hard work, but in these stunning autumn and winter months, the place feels amazing!
Yesterday was different.
Words were calling me…
So i logged into my blog…
And i got nothing…
Not a word, not an idea, just a vast empty space stretching out before me, the void, the no-thing-ness, the space between, nothing….
In the past, this space has terrified me.
My mischevious, steaming, creatively unattended brain, would fill this space with self demolishing thoughts…
“who was i kidding, how delusional am i to think that i am creative, that i could make something or flow with ideas that are unique, interesting etc etc”
Self portrait, 2002.
But yesterday was different.
Perhaps it’s the result of the healing journey into my own truth, perhaps the inspiration of connecting with other women artists, perhaps that full moon and right timing, perhaps, perhaps, perhaps…
Whatever it is,
It just is…
I gently reminded myself that this is the creative process.
For me, the void and it’s terror, almost always precedes creation. In fact, creation often starts with nothing, no form, that is the platform from which it launches. On a metaphysical level, it feels like the universe needing to express itself through me. Creativity is also my way, my language for connecting with the universe. We are all creative, but this process seems particularly acute for artists.
Image from http://www.quranmiracles.com
Whatever that thing is, it doesn’t matter, whatever it is, it just needs to be done. Focus on the process, that’s the thing, showing up, experiencing it, being present, that creates the outcome.
This morning, i woke up in the pre-dawn, my brain awake, the full moon light washing though my window and streaming into my bed. When insomnia happens, my brain paces and i often wallow in the problem.
But not today…
Today, instead, i simply embraced being awake, here i was, brimming with ideas for new blog posts, stories waiting to be told, ideas wanting to be expressed. I am awake and honouring them. I was basking in memories of the pre-dawn moonlight blossoming over the old city of Fez in Morocco. Contemplating how the moon, in her changeability connects us all.
Image from http://www.merlesteveadventure.blogspot.com
Being awake today, is definitely not a problem.
So i sit with my warm cup of earl grey tea, watching the sun rise, listening to PJ Harvey, and writing…
It’s been a while.
Been a while since i’ve seen the dawn…
Wishing you whatever you need today, be it gentle nurture, fun, adventure, fertile creativity, what ever feeds your soul. Just loving today!
PS Here’s one of the inspiring creative women in my life…