By Friday night this week I arrived home exhausted.
Driving home feeling vulnerable, reactive and teary, without any clear explanation. I’d been ‘fine’ all week, keeping busy, carrying on, trying to be there for others, but not really being present and tending to me.
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We’d been staying in town for four nights, busy with family, playing with the kids, running errands, working on my new project during the ‘in between’ moments – busy, busy, busy!
Rolling into bed with a book at about 7.30pm, half a page read before my drooping eyes hit the pillow.
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The truth was i felt ‘off’, not quite myself, for a couple of weeks. It was subtle, slowing building, the cause unclear, my energy not freely flowing, my critical mind quietly snipping away.
Self care is not my default option, as i carry on, often focused externally, keeping busy.
Looking after me often gets lost, so I need to actively remind myself to stop, connect with how i’m feeling, what i’m needing, and take action to care for me.
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At about midnight i woke in the dark, overwhelmed by sadness and fear.
It suddenly hit me how deeply sad i was feeling in watching my father’s decline, this once strong and active man, his health failing, the impact on him, family and friends.
I had been so busy carrying on, doing practical tasks, supporting and being strong for others. At this moment in time, there was now clear space to truly feel.
At 1am, I took myself outside, bottle of water in hand, max at my side, i sat for a long time in the middle of the garden in the moonlight.
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Feeling her healing light pour down on me, all other distractions aside, the beings of the night around me, I just sat with the moon, present to myself, reaching inside, breathing in the night air, peace and healing. The feelings poured through me.
After a long time, i wandered back inside, feeling my body release its tension as i relaxed into the pillow and a deep healing sleep.
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If you’re going through something big, remember to take time for you, to stop and be present to yourself. It can be such a healing balm.
Sending healing love your way.